Standing at the crossroads

Some people were not born this kind of life. I think most of us aren't. We eventually find ourselves committed to a life that we never wished, maybe others did meant it for us, but it was never in our minds to become lawyers fully compromised to the work, to become a bank manager that stays until 2 am in the office, to become a body that satisfies a system. The thing is many of us are limited by the fear of not being able to support a life with all its basic needs, many of us fear that one day that person that subsidies our life in material terms will no longer do that, many of us are limited by the expectations of our parents. Parents don't understand this "radical" kind of life, when you become a parent your happiness lies in the lives of your children, you want them to be happy, to be safe. Some prefer safe, and they believe that strength for this type of system, for this world, strength is build with a title, with a job, with money enough. Everyday, as I take a leap into the future, as I approach the day that I will take a step on my own, I fear more. I fear that I will not live a happy life, that I will live they life they wanted me to, and eventually become depressed about it and lose all motivations, and just live to die. Or I fear that I will not satisfy my parents, that I will not make them happy, that I will not do the sacrifice they've made for me all my life. I fear life.

In the end, the only steps that matter

Are the ones you take by yourself.

-The Weepies

Daughter to father

Mrs. Darling: There are many different kinds of bravery. There's the bravery of thinking of others before one's self. Now, your father has never brandished a sword nor fired a pistol, thank heavens. But he has made many sacrifices for his family, and put away many dreams.
Michael: Where did he put them?
Mrs. Darling: He put them in a drawer. And sometimes, late at night, we take them out and admire them. But it gets harder and harder to close the drawer... He does. And that is why he is brave.

Peter Pan.-

Daddy taught me a lesson. I still can't figure it out, but he did. He told me once in his life, he was this popular guy in a way, he had friends from all over and he enjoyed this part of life. However, he told destiny had different path for him, destiny wanted him to be someone else, fate wanted him to be rather skeptical and suspicious about people themselves. One day the brother of whom he called his best friend failed him, but he really failed him. He betrayed him and his family and unaware of how things had happen, dad could not believe again in any of them, not his best friend or his brother. He just didn't believe in people anymore. He could not believe that there was hope for them, he believed that people were bound fail each other. Months later, his best friend died but by the time my dad had taken distance from him and his friends. A series of tragic events followed in his life, as if all the people who could possibly make him change his mind, were bound to go, to leave him. His dad did, because he had bigger issues up high, his sister did because she could not handle the death of their father, his mother did because she was too depressed. But also in this time, he met mom. My mom. And today they have 10 children. Life has taken so much my dad, it had destroyed his hope, taken his loved ones, vanished his goals, twisted his course and yet he drew the knife from his back and kept his feet on the ground. He stood up to life, which seemed more like death, he kept strong and even if he showed no faith in humanity, he always kept it alive. He sat for years holding his dad's hand until he left, he helped his mom and still today when he's alone he cries for them. And he found someone who made him happy, who brought him back to life, someone who he loved, someone with who he wanted to make more life, give back what was taken away from him.

My father is the bravest person I'll ever meet.

One for Bon Iver

Luckless Romance

And I wish that we could go back and say

"Let's not do this, we will break each other's heart"

I wish that I could give back all those times you made me feel right

Cause this, you and I, we will never be one

Cause you, you and me we are not meant to be.

I wish that I could go back and say to myself don't follow that path,

girl you're going down.

His heart is an open wound and yours an iced stone

Haunting for pain in other people's eyes.

Girl don't go there, it will ache so hard

Cause he'll never love you like you want

He'll never understand

And you will never be who he needs.

Ignorance is bliss

El problema no es tener sueños de alto rango, el problema no es vivir ilusionando. El problema es no ser realista sobre lo que se requiere para alcanzar esos sueños, el problema es no reconocer lo que en verdad hay que hacer para llegar lejos. El problema es ser un sueño viviente, que el camino previo al deseo sea útopico, irreal y que uno no lo pueda ver, eso es el problema. No el gran sueño.

"the dreams were a satisfactory hint of the unreality of reality"

Balde de agua fría

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
Cause I've built my life around you
But time gets bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too

So take this love and take it down
Yeah, and if you climb a mountain and you turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide brought it down

Landslide-Fleetwood Mac

It almost seems that this song now has a whole new meaning for me, it's no longer about love, it's no longer about you, it's about life itself and the things I take for granted cause it's only now that you told me that I bring my feet back on the ground, or at least somewhere near. I didn't want to hear it, I still do not want to accept it but it's true, I've built my around the impossible, you send me far away and I got comfortable, I made the most of it, almost too much, even if I still do not fit in, even if I will never fit in, I've made the few good things I've got in this life out of that far place you never liked. You gave me all the chances that I complained I didn't have. And I blamed it all on you, always on you, thinking you were putting all the blame of your mistakes on me. So I kept on, rejecting all the roads you built for me, "I climbed a mountain and I turned around", and now I'm building new things on more impossible grounds but because I convinced myself I wont fit anywhere else. I just don't fit, not near, not far. And maybe that's why Im getting cold feet about the future, cause I dont think I will ever fit. But it's true, "I've been afraid of changing because I've built my life around you" but I cant keep hanging from you, you all have your futures figured out, and Im not part of them, not like now.

Summer, where did you go?

Te vi irte sin darte vuelta, sin dudar de tu retirada y me pregunté como sería cuando todo de verdad terminase. ¿Qué le vamos a decir a nuestros "yo" del pasado cuando nos pregunten porque nunca más nos volvimos a reencontrar? Les diremos que estabamos muy ocupados con nuestras descarriladas vidas como para pensar en el otro, les diremos que estabamos despavilados en el auge de nuestra juventud, que estabamos demasiado contentos en nuestra dulce miseria como para siquiera atrevernos a observar que ocurría con el otro. Me asusté al pensar que podía pasar de nuevo, todo de nuevo, pero me asusta también saber que nunca más nos vamos a encontrar.

The future is still unwritten

Solo quiero saber lo que quiero de esta vida, que espero de ella, que quiero hacer con ella. Esta sensación de estar esperando que el viento me sople a mi destino sólo me hace sentirme más pérdida. Quiero volver a ese tiempo cuando entendía porque hacía lo que hacía, quiero acordarme de las cosas que hacian valer la pena mi esfuerzo. Quiero volver a ese tiempo cuando sentía que todo lo podía. Es tan irónico que lo que vengo esperando por años, esa sensación de libertad, de descargar todo lo que por tantos años rechacé, es lo que más me da miedo ahora y no sé como controlarlo, se está apoderando de mí como a un títere, y no puedo hacer nada más que sentir impotencia. Impotencia.

I fucking hate this feeling.

What is freedom to you?

All good things are wild and free

It's only after we lose everything that we're free to do anything.

It's kind of easy when you've got nothing cause nothing can be taken away from you

Dont you wish you could go back to when you hadn't lost anything?

It seems to me we no longer know what we're searching for. It seems to me we are lost rather than trapped in a jail. It seems there is a distortion of what freedom is. But then again, who am I to say what that is? Is it embracing nature as it comes? Is it being able to do whatever you want and having no strings pulling you back? Is it being different and not being labelled? Is it being with the one you want? Probably everyone has their own version of freedom, and that's why it transcends over history but still I haven't found what it means to me. For some of my biggest wishes I have to let go of all that I have and start over on my own, and as much that sounds like freedom, it sometimes seems I would lose the few freedom I've got.